The Token Hack Guy

So, let’s assume you are a movie producer, and you want to create a new one. What would be the first idea that pops at the top of your head? Of course, a new sci-fi movie, with lots of visual effects and a meaningless script, that combines every possible aspect of every single science, so it can become too hard for the viewers to even bother to understand it. That way, you will impress your crowd by creating a new HD 3D movie, and trick everyone who will think that the story is genius because of its complexity. And what about the characters? Hm, we need a very beautiful woman (at least one) that is in a big trouble (or joins the trouble while the movie goes on), gun experts (at least two), a bunch of vicious villains, a bunch of random people in a difficult situation, the president of the United States, hm, I am definitely forgetting of someone. OF COURSE, THE HACKER. Let’s see some details of the hacker’s personality, outfit, acting way, background etc etc:

  • He is never the main actor, he is a friend of the protagonist and helps him with every possible trouble
  • He is slim and ugly
  • 25 years old max, after that age every hacking activity / knowledge gets deleted from the human brain
  • He lives with his parents
  • …at the basement
  • His office is full of junk food and tons of empty cola tins
  • He has 18 screens, each one of them showing weird colored output
  • In his free time he plays games, as he is the top gamer of all times
  • …or he watches (with loyalty) the lights of his boxes flushing
  • He has hacked in NASA, the national bank, the most important military base and his school’s exams database (wtf, if he is so clever, why did he take so bad grades?)
  • In fact, no, he didn’t hack any important goverment server, he just helped a friend who had a little problem with the password
  • His friend is the mysterious guy that gets mentioned many times for his achievements, but never actually shown
  • …until the critical moment, where none of our heroes is capable enough to handle the situation
  • The "friend" is a 10 times more uber1337h4x0R, 10 times uglier and 10 times more _____ (fill in the blank)
  • The beautiful-gorgeous-magnificent girl of the story suddenly falls in love with the hacker that is not her type and wouldn’t even notice him if things were different
  • …and the hacker is shocked as he is a virgin
  • He strictly uses mac
  • Throughout the story, he revealed every possible gadget that could help the others from his pockets (that seemed empty before)
  • At some point he is obliged to hack two major companies and the police files in order to find out something trivial, like how’s the weather going to be tomorrow
  • And this has to be done quickly as the others are in huge trouble, so he pushes himself and suddenly he has every needed file (and password, and money, and and) in only 3 minutes
  • He is an expert in security (obviously), algorithms (obviously), telecommunications (obviously?), electronics (obviously?) all kinds of maths (wtf?), all kinds of physics (WHY?), chemistry (HOW?) and female anatomy (WHO IS THIS GUY?)
  • When he connects (OK, he never connects, he just hacks in) somewhere, he can visualize the signal while transferring through the wires in his brain. So, when something is wrong, he can traceroute by only using his thoughts.
  • And when he downloads something, the power goes off (or the bad guy enters the room) when the progress bar is at 99.9%.

Take this as an open letter to the movie industries: PLEASE STOP DESTROYING OUR PROFILE! No, we are not like that and we don’t even try to be that way. After those movies, when people come to my place and see 2 monitors on a single PC (WOW WTF HOW DID HE MOVE THE WINDOW FROM ONE MONITOR TO THE OTHER), they start asking things like: "Why don’t you hack in a bank to become rich?" or "Can you please hack in my university? I’ll pay you of course". Why can’t the hacker guy be an everyday guy? How does he manage to transform from the typical nerd to a super cool guy after half an hour movie only? Can’t he be on a normal relationship, having a normal job, and living in a normal house? And most importantly, can he be the main actor, just for once? For a change, who knows, it might look better if it is closer to the reality.

P.S. Thanks to nikhatzi for his original ideas. I stole two of the above points (at least)

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4 Responses to The Token Hack Guy

  1. Florian says:

    I think you forgot to mention that everything he does using his computers produce a cool noise such as : bip beeep tiiiouu bip bipppp.
    He also often doesn’t use a mouse even if he only use GUI software that makes cool colours & graphs, it’s more easy to zoom on a cool 3D vectorial map using your keyboard to draw a square….

    A cool hack scene, though, can be seen in Matrix, when Trinity hack the powergrid using nmap or nessus (I don’t remember) and exploit a SSH vulnerability. On the other hand, the worse hacks I’ve ever seen are Chloe’s one, from Smallville, I mean, WTF ?

  2. tampakrap says:

    As pointed out by a friend, the best hacking scene was in Swordfish. I mean, who else can hack the goverment in 60 seconds with a gun in his head and having his dick sucked simultaneously? True story.

  3. Stoian Ivanov says:

    “Operation Takedown” is your move!


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